Reflection

"The Hopefuls" January 24th, 2009

"Love is the seed of all hope. It is the enticement to trust, to risk, to try, to go on." -Gloria Gaither

Every morning, I get an email from a website called Quote Mountain. The email contains 4 random quotes from the website's archives. I have no idea why I get it, as I never signed up, but when I rollover in the morning and check my Blackberry, it's the first thing I read no matter what other emails I get. Sometimes the quotes are funny, sometimes they are depressing, sometimes they don't pertain to me and sometimes they do.

The quote above was in my Quote Mountain email yesterday and it resonated with me- it was the perfect way to describe how I feel about my life, my family and my future.

January is always big month for me. It's the start of the New year, and the month of my birthday. But this year, the significance of the month is beyond that of years before. I turned 30, it's the anniversary of the IVF attempt that worked (January 19th our babies were conceived) and it's our 1st wedding anniversary.

It's an overwhelming thought that I'm 30 this year. As Weston was kind enough to point out, I'm just as close to 15 as I am to 45. I think I've done a lot in my 30 years, and for that I am proud. But even more important is that I've been loved unconditionally by my family, by some of my friends and created 6 lives that give me more joy than anyone could ever possibly imagine. I found the love of my life, and have been given a gift of what more often than not is a wonderful marriage. I sincerely hope that the next 30 years brings me just as much love and happiness.

Just as overwhelming is the thought that exactly one year ago we were preparing for our 2nd IVF attempt. It was emotional, and we had no certainty that it would work. We knew we would NOT be doing IVF again, and the prospect of not being able to conceive biological children together was terrifying. January 19th we had 18 eggs retrieved and fertilized. By the time the day of transfer came (January 24th) we had only 4 embryos left. None were of "great" quality and our chances of having just one were only 60%. So, we took a leap of faith, and transferred all four, hoping that we'd get one viable baby. We were, as you can imagine hopeful, but by no means sure we'd come out of this with a child. After blood work on February 5th confirming we were indeed pregnant (with an HCG level of 1594!) we knew we had a chance of having one- maybe even two babies given the HCG levels. On February 9th, when I went in for my first ultrasound (alone, West was flying) and saw three beautiful babies on that screen, I was ecstatic, nervous and had absolutely no idea what Weston would say. (It turns out his comment from the cockpit of the plane was "The more the merrier!") As we adjusted to the thought of triplets, I went in for my 2nd ultrasound, again alone. When the technician said " how many did you see last week?" and I replied "3" she said, "Well, now there is a 4th!" My thoughts were scattered and I was worried- "Why didn't the 4th show up the week before? What is Weston going to say? Are we going to lose all of them? Is the doctor going to tell us to reduce?"

In the end, we all know how it worked out. I was fine, carrying the babies to over 34 weeks. The babies were fine, and are now healthy and happy 4 1/2 month olds. Weston was fine, and continues to say "the more the merrier." And while the doctor recommended we reduce, we opted to have faith in both God and ourselves to carry us through. Thankfully that faith has gotten us where we are now, and we ask each other often as we look at these babies "Which one would he wanted to have reduced?!" We can't imagine our life without these 6 children.

It's been an amazing year for me, that's for sure. It's been a pretty amazing 30 years for that matter. When I look back to all that's led me to the age of 30, I don't mind being here so much.

So if you were one of the people who gave me that unconditional love- the love that has inspired me to trust, to take the risks that have given me this life and to continue to try and move on as life happens- I thank you explicitly. I wouldn't be where I am right now without you, and I am certain that the same will be true 30 years from now.