Maybe We Are a Freak Show.

There are moments when I look at my husband in complete adoration. Really, it's true. He's handsome, insanely intelligent, quite funny and so on. I have these moments when he's talking to me and I'm just overcome with awe. I stare at his face, and admire his features and think "this person is MY husband and he chose me." Then, just as there are moments of adoration and admiration, there are moments when I look at my husband and I want to strangle him. Today I had one of the latter moments.

As a note: If you have an obscenely hormonal wife, it's best to to ignore your Blackberry when meeting with the doctor. Actually, it's best for you both that you just turn it off. Better yet, leave it in the car. . I know the temptation to pick it up will overcome you and the outcome won't be pretty. So, save her the embarrassment of having to apologize to the doctor for her outburst ("Turn that F*C%$#G phone off before I throw it out the window") and save yourself from the ensuing fight that's bound to take place on the way home.

Did I say in the last post that we weren't a freak show?! Perhaps I should reexamine such a thought after today's display of craziness.

Anyway, as you've likely gathered by now, Weston and I had another doctors appointment today. This was purely a check up on baby number four. On Monday it hadn't had a heartbeat and was measuring quite a bit behind the three others. Because of that, we weren't expecting good or even neutral news regarding its (I feel so bad calling my child an "it") progress. We went in with no expectations and were floored to find that baby number four actually had a heartbeat. The prognosis isn't great, as it's still measuring quite a bit behind. But for the moment we have four babies. I will say that it seems sort of cruel when you think about it; to find out about a fourth child and then have everyone tell you to prepare to lose it.

I'll be honest here. West and I never thought that we'd be blessed with the chance to have 4 more children right now. When we transferred four embryos, we were given a 65% chance of having ONE child. The chance of having multiples was slim. We knew that having high order multiples is not something good fertility specialists strive for (take note crazy doctor to crazy octuplet mom) and we knew it could be dangerous for the mother and the children. But with that in mind, we knew getting pregnant with more than one child was a possibility, albeit a slim one. We knew the risks and we knew we were taking chances.

A lot of the emotion that we are both dealing with now is not from the prospect of having four more children, but from the prospect of having to lose one. It's coming from the numerous conversations with doctors and nurses at our clinic telling us that a loss of number 4 would explicitly be the best scenario. They've also mentioned that should it not happen naturally that we use a process called "selective reduction." You'll have to pardon my belligerent attitude when I say who are they to tell us that the loss of a child would likely be the best scenario? We're a mere 7 weeks pregnant. We have no idea how this will all turn out and for the moment, I'm healthy, the babies are healthy and that's all that should matter.

Our next appointment is on Tuesday and apparently we'll have a better idea of what's going on. It's a waiting game. A painfully crappy waiting game. But I know in the end it will all be worth it.